"Just
imagine how much better your life would be
if
you could say no to things you really don't give a fuck about
and
have more time, energy and money to say yes
to
the things you do"
Sarah
Knight.
Seems
a funny quote to start with, but it is real, and it is true. Imagine
a life free of the stress of awkward obligation. Imagine what you
could give to yourself and your family, if you weren't "obliged"
to work that overtime, go for that drink, attend that function you
didn't really want to. Imagine...
As
I began the research for
this piece, I soon found myself staring
at the computer feeling as
though I had just been given a hypothetical slap to the face. A wake
up call if you will. I was reading lists and lists of characteristics
of people pleasers. But
what I was really reading, were descriptions of me. The realisation
sank in deeply: for as
long as I can remember I have been
a people pleaser.
What
does this look like for me? Well, I say yes when I’d rather not or
even if it is inconvenient or it means sacrificing something else
that is important to me. I apologise when I don’t need to, when I
have done nothing wrong, or for merely proclaiming my opinion. I go
to great lengths to avoid conflict, in fact conflict is excruciating
for me. I need everyone
around me to be happy. The thought that not everyone likes me renders
me nauseous.
Does
any of this sound familiar? If so, welcome, my people pleasing
comrade. We can get through this together.
This
is not something I do, nor have I ever done consciously. It is only
something I have become aware of recently, as I began this journey
into vulnerability. I don’t even recall when it began for me. I’m
sure that some people pleasers can pinpoint a significant event that
“turned” them into people pleasers – I’ve
heard countless stories of survivors of domestic abuse in childhood,
or children who have suffered parental neglect; needing to maintain
the status quo around them long after they have left the abusive
situation. But this did
not happen to me. I had a supportive and happy childhood. Yes, I
suffered an emotionally abusive relationship as a late teen and young
adult, and I suffered assault daily at the hands of a group of male
students on the school bus as a younger teen (yes, #metoo). But long
before then the behaviour was ingrained into my being; for I didn’t
tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help because the shame and
vulnerability that these incidents caused me to feel was too much for
me to bear. I maintained the facade that all was well
to all around me. I would fake the occasional illness to avoid the
school bus when I needed a break from the intolerable abuse, and when
I was older I continued to chase after a boy who did not deserve me
and allowed him to use me and my body at his will. This is how I know
I was already a people pleaser long before these incidents happened:
the behaviour was automatic, my willingness to allow it to continue
left unchallenged.
Perhaps
it was mirrored to me as a child? Perhaps
it was a learned behaviour from some other source. Perhaps I will
never know. I wonder
though… am I raising
a daughter who will
model herself on me and
continue the pattern? This thought terrifies me more than the
vulnerability of admitting my need to please ever could.
Why
do we do it? On reflection, I feel that I did so
out of a need for external validation of my own
worth, rather than turning
inward and trusting my own experience, intuition, and
self love. It manifested in
a fear of rejection and a fear of being disliked, born from not
loving myself first. I
did so
because the thought of being vulnerable was terrifying to me.
The
consequence? The result is a personal sacrifice which saw me time and
time again persuaded
into situations that didn’t
sit right with my values.
It saw me
constantly and easily
manipulated by others. It compromised my
personal integrity. People
pleasing caused me to lose touch with who I am and what is important
to me: I lost touch with my creativeness; I lost touch with my
ability to nurture my family; I lost touch with my values. I
could relay personal story upon personal story here to prove my
point, but it’s not necessary. I will never heal if I cannot learn
the value of forgiveness.
Is
it possible to live a wholehearted life if you are constantly
striving for the approval of others and seeking external
validation
for your own worth? No.
No.
More.
For
me, and for my wee girl who watches and learns from the sidelines of
my life each and every day: I will people please no more.
I
will pause long enough to recognise that I don’t want to say yes
(mindfulness), I will learn the art of a polite “no thank you”.
I
will unlearn the need for external validation (kindness to self).
I
will recognise that I am deserving of my own love first, just as
everyone else is entitled to love themselves first (common humanity).
I
will set aside the discomfort that impending conflict brings, and
embrace my vulnerability in that moment, because my opinion matters.
Please,
to all my fellow people pleasers: do what YOU do; be who YOU are;
like what YOU like; and just be enough for YOU.
Follow Around Arthur’s Table in the menu to the right, so you don’t miss the followup: Saying No.
Reading
and Viewing List - wanna see where I got the ideas I'm banging on
about? Look here. You might even learn something! Click on each dot
point to go to the relevant site.
NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission.
Perhaps it is a deeper and wider issue, Bec. Societal expectations of women? (In SOOOO many forms.) Perhaps you are a "victim" of those societal expectations without realising the influence that began right from the time you were born...
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think?
:-)
Mich
I probably should have added... What other people think of me is their business, not mine and I am not a typical people pleaser - as you would remember. Typically I don't care. However, I too want to please people so that they love me. Which I think makes a fracture in my soul... a vulnerability that I am uncomfortable with - that others have that power over me...
Deletescary...
You know Mich, I think you're on to something here (and no, I'm not agreeing with you just to make you happy! ha!). After I posted I actually had a thought that perhaps gender roles had something to do with this. From my reading, it isn't a problem unique to women as such, however I'd would wager a bet that this is a far far far more common trait in our sisters than our brothers! I am so filled with gratitude that I have strong women in my life who are role modelling the strength to love themselves first.
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