Pushing off on the swing.

I didn’t wake up yesterday and think “I’m going to publish a blog today”. I hadn’t planned it really. It is true that I have been pondering something for a long time, there has been something niggling in the background for a while. But I didn’t have a name for it and I certainly didn’t know what it was.

I’ve had a lot of unplanned time away from my paid gig, because I physically cannot do it at the moment. I’ve been battling illness, and that journey alone has forced me to examine my values and really take a long hard look at what I want in life; what kind of life fulfils me; what I need so that I can live a wholehearted life.

I realised that I am really really unhappy with how things have been working out. There has to be something more.

I’ve always enjoyed writing. I’m a terrible speller and my grammar could use some work. I don’t claim to be great at it: I’m ok though. The niggle has always been there. Many times over the last few years I’ve thought I could fill a book with my experiences, but then that raw, uncomfortable place beckons me… who would want to read it? I’m sure it’s been done before. My experiences are actually boring. I’d never finish it. What would everyone think?

Let’s revisit that last line: what would everyone think?

I’m 43. I should have a nice house. I should have a nice car. I should not be spending time and money on folly. I shouldn’t take risks. Be sensible. Safety first. Keep your head down, don’t put yourself out there. What if you fail? I like to call these thoughts the “shoulds”. Stepping outside of those societal expectations of “shoulds” drags me into that raw, uncomfortable place again.

No one likes feeling uncomfortable. Human beings intuitively seek comfort, and comfort often lies in the familiar: in the “normal”. Feeling uncomfortable is an invisible barrier that stops us exploring those gentle niggles.

Vulnerability wins.

Throughout the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of internal searching, trying to find what it is that has been niggling me. Trying to find what it is that makes me, well, authentically me. Throughout all the reading, listening, talking, watching and questioning there seems to be a theme emerging: that vulnerability is where the magic happens.

So that’s how this came about. To live my true me, to become my authentic self, I need to tackle that raw uncomfortable place we call vulnerability. I need to jump, with two feet, push off on the swing. So I will write, no matter how uncomfortable I feel. I will write, no matter how much my fingers shake or sweat on the keyboard. I will write, no matter how red my face goes when someone recognises me as the person who wrote down what they were thinking. I will write, no matter how much it makes my gut churn. Because who doesn’t need a little magic in their life?

After the blog went live yesterday, I text my husband and told him how gut wrenchingly nervous putting myself out there was making me feel, how vulnerability probably wasn’t a great place for me after all… I’ll leave you with his reply:

“Are you wearing pants? If you’re wearing pants, it’s probably fine”.