tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51757497399100997092024-02-08T14:18:56.308+11:00Around Arthur’s Table. Reflections on an imperfect life: an experiment in vulnerability. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-39824370198473765222020-02-12T13:35:00.000+11:002020-02-12T13:35:04.499+11:00Re-entering the space. <div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">It has been quite some time since I last entered this space.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">Truth is I began
using this medium to help navigate the journey, yet I still found
myself lost. Lost in time, lost in pain, lost in thoughts, lost in my
own head… A lot of changes have happened in the time I was lost. It
is time I regained some direction.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">A journey doesn’t
have to take us far. We begin by placing one foot in front of the
other. Eyes upon the horizon – look where you are going else you
may stumble and fall. Take the time to notice the little things along
the way, but don’t ruminate on them too much, else they might
distract you. Take the back path, the scenic route, the short cut, or
the long way. Stop for a rest when you need to. Change the
destination if you wish. But continue the journey.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">I guess while I was
lost, I was just stopping for a rest.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">Time to start moving
again.
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-70894194682051448462018-11-26T17:15:00.001+11:002018-11-26T21:25:43.043+11:00Resilience. The current catchword. <div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">I
have a few things to say about resilience. I hear the term over and
over again… fostering resilient children, teaching resilience,
resilience training. A quick google search reveals a mish mash of
terms that describe resilience as current interpretation has it:
toughness; capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; elasticity;
the ability to be happy again after something bad has happened. </span><span style="font-family: "mv boli";"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";">It seems that
resilience is a term that has developed as somewhat of a metaphor;
with it’s meaning derived from the ability of a substance to resume
it’s previous shape or state after it has been compressed, pulled,
stretched or in some other way affected. </span> Like a spring I guess. An element of
resilience is how we navigate life. How we deal with the adversities
and lessons life sends our way. It is in how we process these
lessons; take them on board; and continue to grow. </span>
</div>
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<br></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">The
response to bullying is <i>almost </i><i>always</i> supporting
resilience in the victim. I know this from personal experience. Once,
I endured a very distressing workplace incident. I am
actually not allowed to talk about the details so I will leave them
out… (great hey: I am the victim but I’m not allowed to tell
people what happened!). Whilst management and HR were generally very
supportive, part of that support involved paying for “resilience
training” for me. More recently, when my boy-child was experiencing
bullying at school, much of the response from others surrounded the
fostering of “resilience”. He needed to “toughen up”, “just
ignore them”, “tell them you don’t like what they are doing and
walk away”. He wasn’t allowed to move classes to get away from
his perpetrators. And he was told not to retaliate as the
perpetrators were known trouble makers and would likely turn the
story around and accuse HIM of being the perpetrator (this advice was
given with love and his protection at heart by someone who we
recognise cared a lot about what was going on). </span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Well, I’m here to call bullshit on resilience. </span></span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Demanding
resilience is condescending. It shifts the responsibility to the
victim rather than the perpetrator; it implies that we should
tolerate shitty behaviour in others, because if you were more
resilient, this trauma you have experienced wouldn’t affect you so.
Demanding resilience fosters power imbalances in our institutions, societies and relationships. </span>
</div>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Resilience
in overdrive gives the persona of toughness: a state of not being
emotionally influenced by situations and events. When resilience is
seen as a strength rather than merely a desirable trait, and
emotional connectedness is viewed as a weakness, we are rewarded with
leadership which is uncompromising. The unrelenting promotion of
resilience as the gold standard, risks the promotion into leadership
roles of those who are not skilled at empathy, but rather are driven
solely by ambition. In my experience, ambitious leadership which is
lacking in empathy does not make for a harmonious workplace. With
ambitious over resilient leaders, the cycle of resilience continues
and employees, students, and other members of society begin to
tolerate poor situations for far too long in an attempt to be seen as
possessing the apparently desirable skill of resilience. </span>
</div>
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<br></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";"><i>But…
</i><i>Friedrich Nietzsche said</i><i>“</i><i>that which </i><i>does
not kill us, makes us stronger”? </i></span></span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">The
impact of psychological trauma on our mental and overall health is
well documented. It doesn’t make us stronger, it wears us down.
When we are resilient for too long, we break. We are more inclined to
put up with poor situations and adverse behaviours in others, when we
really should speak up: perhaps the new resilience movement is just
the next way that society is normalising people pleasing? The stress
and anxiety of continually putting up with bad situations breaks our
bodies, makes us ill, and we crumble. When I started to recognise the
same patterns happening all over again in my work place, and the response this time was that I needed to deal with it, become more resilient, I became reluctant to speak up. Then, I got sick. I crumbled. I am still
trying to pick myself up, much, much later. Where is the lesson in
learning to put up with people treating you badly? What is it we supposedly learn
from it? </span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">I
get it. I really do. I do understand where proponents of resilience
training are coming from. I’ve listened to their stories. I can
empathise. I get the attraction: if we can teach people how to
overcome adversity and not let it break us, how mighty we could be.
And I am not saying that we should not all practice at least some
resilience in our lives. But what if we are approaching this upside
down? Why should healing rely on the victim becoming stronger while
the perpetrator is enabled to continue on their journey of spreading
harmful negativity like a cancer throughout our workplaces, schools, societies and within our relationships? </span>
</div>
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<br></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Imagine
a world where instead of fostering resilience, we started to stamp
out shitty behaviour? </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxgmc7Ni0e-0dsEziTbhPOVF-EBOgjyo6Wavp_nPC2aCwstrvRWFOQXuEtHl4SB1ZbnKPI46EM6eRGA0Tgtg70puOoH4_8g99ScMetSj2AHIT2oejwskXioRfWNfybv6zoWu4jOZ9v1MY/s1600/resilience+meme.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxgmc7Ni0e-0dsEziTbhPOVF-EBOgjyo6Wavp_nPC2aCwstrvRWFOQXuEtHl4SB1ZbnKPI46EM6eRGA0Tgtg70puOoH4_8g99ScMetSj2AHIT2oejwskXioRfWNfybv6zoWu4jOZ9v1MY/s320/resilience+meme.JPG" width="320" id="id_85e9_8eb0_7277_d712" style="width: 320px; height: auto;"></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "mv boli";"> </span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Whilst
what I’ve written here is pure and simply my OWN opinion based
solely on my OWN experiences, and not scientifically proven beyond a
doubt, I’m not the only one who is thinking this way. Check out
what these guys have to say! </span></span>
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</span>
<br>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><a href="http://www.thewellnessdoctrines.com/resilience-is-a-bullshit-term-heres-why/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";">Resilience is a bullshit term: here’s why. </span></a></span>
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</span>
<br>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";"><a href="https://safetyatworkblog.com/2015/10/02/workplace-resilience-gets-a-kicking/" target="_blank">Workplace resilience gets a kicking</a>. </span></span>
</div>
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</span>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "mv boli";"><a href="https://theconversation.com/corporate-resilience-training-works-but-what-are-we-being-asked-to-bear-54827" target="_blank">Corporate resilience training works – but what are we being asked to bear?</a></span></span></div>
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<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-27259318092405788412018-10-15T17:25:00.001+11:002018-10-15T17:30:52.362+11:00The mind, the gut and the heart… Intuiting our path and the ways we know things.<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I
feel that since the moment we became tiny beings newly earth-side,
we’ve been taught not to trust ourselves. Not to believe that inner
voice that is the true connection to our self. I’ve seen it – and
lived it – many times over. A well meaning parent (myself included)
will redirect a child: don’t do that you’ll fall; don’t run
you’ll trip; put that down there could be a spider in there… of
course these warnings are given not with the intent to harm but
rather the opposite and often out of love. However, recently I’ve
come to wonder what the ongoing impact of these well intended yet
undermining words have had on our long term wellness? By wellness I
refer to our all-encompassing wellness: mind, body and spirit. What
impact has the undermining of our natural curiosities had on our
abilities to trust in our own knowledge and thoughts? </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Let
me step back and dissect this for a moment… How is it that we come
to possess our knowledge: how is it that we come to know what it is
that we know? </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">It
was back in 2004 when undertaking my first ever postgraduate study
that the theory of knowledge came across my path. I was required to
write an essay on Carper’s (1978) ways of knowing in nursing vs
intuiting knowledge. Oh, if I could find that essay now, this post
would be done! That was the first High Distinction grade I’d ever
received for a written assignment and the first time that I actually
understood the reasoning behind the theory… I just got it. I will
admit, sometimes my mind sees more (and faster) than I can put into
language, but I found myself fascinated with the concept of having
different ways of knowing stuff; and the concept of intuiting this
knowledge. You see, I decided that instead of arguing that we either
drew from our knowledge or used our intuition when making decisions,
that they were actually one and the same. Bear with me. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Looking
around the vast array of information on knowledge theory readily
available on the web I can see that Ms Carper’s “Ways of Knowing
in Nursing” is not far from current philosophical schools of
thought on the origins of knowledge; although many sources have
broken the concepts down further into eight ways rather than four. To
make it easier, and because it is familiar to me, I will use Carper’s
four ways of knowing (Empirical, Personal, Ethical, and Aesthetic)
here and relate it as best I can to broader life. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Empirical
knowledge refers to the things we know which are factual – they can
be verified. Often scientifically, and always faultlessly. We <i>know
</i><span style="font-style: normal;">we need food to eat. We </span><i>know
</i><span style="font-style: normal;">we need to sleep to be well. We
</span><i>know</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> the grass is
green, the water is wet, that there is night and there is day. Our
personal knowledge come</span><span style="font-style: normal;">s</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
from our own understanding of what is; our core values; our own
experiences; and to some degree our ability to experience empathy.
Ethical knowledge comes from our own </span><span style="font-style: normal;">intrinsic</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
value systems and understanding of morality. And aesthetic knowledge
is what we can see, hear, feel </span><span style="font-style: normal;">or
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">touch in the </span><span style="font-style: normal;">entirety
of the </span><span style="font-style: normal;">current moment or
situation: what is the </span><span style="font-style: normal;">he</span><span style="font-style: normal;">re</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
and now?</span><span style="font-style: normal;"> </span></span>
</div>
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<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">All
of these four things make up the ways </span><span style="font-style: normal;">in
which </span><span style="font-style: normal;">we know all of the
things we know. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">Some things
are instinctual – a newborn babe knows the feeling of hunger and
that the breast will satisfy them. The rest we gather throughout our
life journey. We unconsciously file this knowledge away for when we
might need it. </span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">But
what is that feeling we get? That inner voice or that sense that
something is right or wrong? What is it that tells a mother that her
child is in trouble before the cry is heard? What is it that tells us
to leave a dangerous situation, before the danger is even evident?
What is that yearning? I’m sure you’ve felt it. The longing for
change, for something different. Travellers call it the wanderlust.
Some people experience it when they </span><i>need</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
to be by the sea, the bush, the city or the country. That feeling we
sometimes get about an acquaintance where you just </span><i>know
</i><span style="font-style: normal;">something is not quite right
with the interaction. </span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Most people call it Intuition. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
think it is fair to say that </span><span style="font-style: normal;">the
general </span><span style="font-style: normal;">defin</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ition
of</span><span style="font-style: normal;"> intuition </span><span style="font-style: normal;">is</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
knowledge that appears in our consciousness without being able to pin
point the reasons for it being there. We are not consciously aware of
the e</span><span style="font-style: normal;">mpirical, </span><span style="font-style: normal;">p</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ersonal,
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">e</span><span style="font-style: normal;">thical,
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">or</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">a</span><span style="font-style: normal;">esthetic
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">reasoning behind an intuitive
thought. Intuitive thought could be described as instinctual, like
breathing, eating, drinking, seeking shelter. Believe it or not,
humans are born as </span><span style="font-style: normal;">inherently</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
instinctual as </span><span style="font-style: normal;">most of</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
the animal world – in my work as a midwife </span><span style="font-style: normal;">I
have seen women who are </span><span style="font-style: normal;">labouring
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">undisturbed reach deep into
their inner being and birth with </span><span style="font-style: normal;">instinctively</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
driven, raw and primitive behaviours. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">I
have see</span><span style="font-style: normal;">n</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
fresh born babes crawl toward their mothers breast displaying rooting
behaviour</span><span style="font-style: normal;">s,</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
searching tirelessly for the nipple and the first quench of their
thirst. Th</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ese</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">are</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
not learned behaviour</span><span style="font-style: normal;">s</span><span style="font-style: normal;">.
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">These are instinctive
behaviours. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">D</span><span style="font-style: normal;">rawing
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">from</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
my empirical and aesthetic knowledge </span><span style="font-style: normal;">of
our ability as a species to act on instinctive behaviours</span><span style="font-style: normal;">,
I </span><i>know</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> that we as
human beings are capable of </span><span style="font-style: normal;">acting
on the knowledge we </span><span style="font-style: normal;">intuit.</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
Is intuition not then a part of our instinctual behaviour? </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
know people who call this inner voice God. Some feel it is spiritual.
The semantics don’t matter: </span><span style="font-style: normal;">I
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">personally </span><span style="font-style: normal;">think
intuition comes from our inherit knowledge. I think it is our inner
self, </span><span style="font-style: normal;">our intelligence</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
working for us, drawing from all the things we have come to know over
the years: guiding us by our knowledg</span><span style="font-style: normal;">e.
Innate knowledge, God, a spiritual connection: by whichever name
you’d like to call it, </span><span style="font-style: normal;">why
do we so often dismiss </span><span style="font-style: normal;">instinctive</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
intuitive thought? </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I</span><span style="font-style: normal;">f
our inherit knowledge comes from empirical, personal, ethical and
aesthetic ways of knowing… it is reasonable then</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
that I suggest</span><span style="font-style: normal;"> that these
ways of knowing work together on a subconscious level to inform our
intuition, a form of instinctual thought processing. In this way it
feel</span><span style="font-style: normal;">s</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
like we just know… we don’t know why we know, we aren't aware of which
way of knowing has informed our intuitive thoughts, our mind is
working in the back ground using the </span><span style="font-style: normal;">network
of </span><span style="font-style: normal;">things we know to react
instinctivel</span><span style="font-style: normal;">y, sending us
protective intuitive thoughts. Yet we so often ignore ou</span><span style="font-style: normal;">r</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">intuitive </span><span style="font-style: normal;">thought,
ou</span><span style="font-style: normal;">r</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
gut, our hearts. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Why?</span></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Think back to the first paragraph…
how many times as children were we told not to trust our instinctual
curiosity because it was unsafe? How often was the urge to run, jump,
play with rocks, sticks, in the long grass, or with fire stamped out
of us, and dismissed as dangerous? Is this the way we unlearn our
instinct to trust our intuition? In this scientific world where
proof in the onus on all, perhaps we have lost faith in our intuitive
selves? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">You
must know what I mean… how many times has something not turned out
how you wanted and you’ve said to yourself “I knew that would
happen”. How many times have you had a “bad” feeling about
something and did it anyway and then regretted it? How many times </span><span style="font-style: normal;">did
you know you should speak up, did not, and then regretted it later? </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">F</span><span style="font-style: normal;">or
me, so many times. All of the times. Over and over again. And each
time I say to myself: “I knew it, and I didn't listen”. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">So the next part of my journey toward
authenticity is finding the skills to relearn how to trust myself as
I tune back into my intuitive side. Surrendering to the journey. Some
of you may may call this prayer. Some of you may call it meditation.
Some of you may simply call it thinking… I’m not going to impose
any particular belief system on you. I think these are simply
different terms for the same thing: loving ourselves, trusting that
we know and living authentic lives. Because if we don’t learn and
grow from our knowledge, what is the point of it? </span></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Reading list if you feel so inclined… </span></span></i></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carper%27s_fundamental_ways_of_knowing" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Carper's Fundamental Ways of Knowing.</span></span><i></i></a></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201506/when-should-you-trust-your-intuition" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">When should you trust your intuition: psychology today. </span></span></a></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="http://theconversation.com/is-it-rational-to-trust-your-gut-feelings-a-neuroscientist-explains-95086" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Is it rational to trust your gut feelings? A Neuroscientist explains.</span></span></a></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="http://www.thelawofattraction.com/learn-trust-intuition/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">What is intuition and how can I learn to trust my instincts?</span></span></a></div>
<br />
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
</div>
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</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span>
</div>
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</div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-63324945390869122552018-09-09T16:07:00.000+10:002018-09-09T21:34:55.934+10:00Why I don’t send my boy kid to school (and wish the girl one would join us). <div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 2cm; margin-right: 2.2cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><i>Disclaimer:
the words below are merely my opinion </i><i>on our story, </i><i>and
not meant as judgment or criticism on anyone whose parental choices
have led them down a different path. I completely acknowledge that
what feels right and works for us, may not be right for another
family. And sometimes, what feels right and works for us changes
depending on where we are in our life journey… </i></span><i><span style="color: red;">and that’s
ok</span>.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJywTwzed31NDA_a7JQNnM7cMhFRMGV80rvrsf9I675Jvx9erVCqkROlUPWYmxcU3I2GkknTS6CaHHzxEFD65sUUbyKiYsq_PZtwkqpLxYQB74mxyd2sZB9UydmZWaXCjQjUn1Ngmyf5M/s1600/IMG_E1549%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="930" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJywTwzed31NDA_a7JQNnM7cMhFRMGV80rvrsf9I675Jvx9erVCqkROlUPWYmxcU3I2GkknTS6CaHHzxEFD65sUUbyKiYsq_PZtwkqpLxYQB74mxyd2sZB9UydmZWaXCjQjUn1Ngmyf5M/s320/IMG_E1549%255B1%255D.JPG" width="258" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">My
kids are 13 and 11 respectively. Since each of them were about four,
they have been in and out of private, public, and home schooling like
an indecisive kitty with a newly installed a cat flap. Before this
age we consciously chose to never use daycare when they were babies,
instead juggling our schedules so that either their Dad or I were
available to nurture them: it didn’t feel right to have these
babies and then hand them over for 8-9 hours a day to someone else to
raise. When they were about four, each of them seemed to need
something else in their lives as they grew into independent little
social beings, so we enrolled them into publicly funded pre-school.
Even then we picked one further away than we needed to because –
among other things – we preferred their philosophy. When it came
time to enter the schooling system full time we went with Steiner
Education as we felt it was a more gentle approach to learning which
offered a home-like environment: both kids were able to start on a
part time basis too, which I felt eased the transition to school
life; there were no uniforms; and learning through play and daily
rhythms was openly encouraged. When one wasn’t at school they were
with us or another family member. When they were both at school, they
had each other for support.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWRRZfw1olqDVbmwJugktWYGLU0JQuRgg2o3GTjtVyJQvDBbTC44U_HFeTGuhECeNT-5YEXel7ud4vSZkTkDvGua1Y8W-yDBgtkKfLLz5YGb1qZIsSTVlAelRyAwTRVTvmCi_Xb_p11jU/s1600/IMG_E1548%255B2%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWRRZfw1olqDVbmwJugktWYGLU0JQuRgg2o3GTjtVyJQvDBbTC44U_HFeTGuhECeNT-5YEXel7ud4vSZkTkDvGua1Y8W-yDBgtkKfLLz5YGb1qZIsSTVlAelRyAwTRVTvmCi_Xb_p11jU/s320/IMG_E1548%255B2%255D.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";"><span style="font-size: small;">Then
in 2013, a crisis of being somehow saw us packed up and travelling
the country for 12 months, and so commenced our somersault into the
world of home education or homeschooling (as it’s commonly termed –
I personally prefer the term home education, because really it is
NOTHING like school!). So successful was this year, that we observed
our kids not just coping but thriving without school, and we decided
to keep them home when our year of travel was complete. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">2014
saw us journey into remote Northern Territory to immerse ourselves
into Indigenous communities to live and work and eventually we
decided (along with the kids) to try the local community school first
part time and then full time to try to immerse the kids more wholly
into the culture and practices of the communities. 2015 saw us
journey back to home ed as we travelled south through the centre and
home to the east coast of Australia before settling in the north
again in 2016, where the kids went back to school out of necessity –
we were both working full time for various reasons: he needed to for
his mental health, and I needed to so we had somewhere to live! The school we chose placed the kids together
in a composite class to ease the transition from home education to
school life (they would have each other for support: despite their
volatile love/hate relationship as per any sibling relationship, love does always
win), and this continued throughout the next school year. The kids
flourished, made heaps of mates, and generally proved to us that home
education, and their thus far unorthodox upbringing and life
experience not only hadn't caused them any harm but had actually
given them a fantastic grounding for school and general life.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">And
so here we are in 2018. My boy started High School this year. For the
first time since we’d flitted back into the education system, the kids
were separated and this time it was not because one of them was with
<i>us</i>. Even though they were at the same school, they were not
allowed to see each other during the day as the high school kids are
not allowed to fraternize with the primary school kids. Most of my
boy’s good mates from his previous years in a composite class
stayed behind in primary school along with his sister. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">At
first the changes were subtle. It was difficult to put a finger on
it. An ear ache here. A vomiting bug there. A little defiance from a
previously harmonious and cooperative boy. Then the outbursts
started. Tantrums. Yelling. Threats. Clenched fists. An increased
frequency in conflict. My kid was changing. My sweet gentle boy, the
most social, gentle and loving kid I know (this is not just the words
of a doting mother, this kid has always been different in his ability
to empathise and show compassion) became angry, defiant, and
aggressive. After each melt down, a story began to unfold. He’d
been made feel insecure or unsafe at school that day. He’d been
laughed at. He’d been mocked. Every, single, outburst. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">I
was losing my boy. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">We
came up with plans: what he could do or say when incidents occurred
at school; how to keep a diary of what was going on as evidence; who
to go to when something had occurred. We gave him mental health days
off at home. We had meetings with the deputy principal. It is
important to note there that this is not a story of a school that did
not do enough to try and fix the situation. Students and parents were
spoken to (as is my understanding), students were given suspension
for this and other unsocial behaviour, my boy was listened to and
supported by the deputy. But it still didn’t stop. It just became
more subtle: teasing him for using headphones in class when he found
their unruly behaviour too much; eye rolling; face pulling; mocking;
and the awful knee push – you know that thing where they knee you
behind your locked knee almost causing you to fall? That thing. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">I
don’t think he knew what to do other than what he’d already
tried. And when he came home each day to his safe place where he knew
he was loved and accepted, he let it out. Kids don’t always know
how to express these big emotions, even high school kids don’t
always understand how they’re feeling, what they’re experiencing.
They just know that mum and dad and sister are safe, and out it
comes. It took quite a while to realise what was going on. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">In
the back ground I was having my own crisis in health and mental
wellbeing. I think all of us were. The nomadic family who had always
had a parent available for the kids, who valued home education,
family time, being outdoors, and values over money had wound up as
two parents working full time, house living, consumerism driven
robots. We worked and schooled, we ate, we screened. We were tired.
We had no time for the things we value as a family. I call it
house-life. It slowly kills us. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">One
day I decided it was enough. I couldn’t sit by and let this be our
life anymore. We get one chance at this life. One chance to raise
these kids right. One chance to show them that there is a better way.
And it’s such a short time – it’s so cliched but soon they will
be flown from the nest, always welcome back of course but gosh we
hope that while we have them we can teach and role model to them the
skills they need to live a true and happy and authentic life. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">What
is forcing us to all live a house-life where we are all miserable and
none of us living true to ourselves and values teaching them? What
does living a life dictated by “shoulds” (should have a nice
house, should have a fancy car, should work full time, should go to
school, should should should) teach them? What value is there in a
mother who is so dog tired from her job that she isn’t really
present when she is home? What security does it provide a child when
they don’t know if their mum will be there when they wake in the
morning, because she might be called out to work? What does it teach
them about their own self worth when parents prioritise an employer,
a mortgage, paying off a car, or consumerism over being truly present
with their child? What does it tell a child when their parent values
these things over their own mental health? </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">And
why should a child be forced to socialise with arseholes? Really, why
should he? I don’t. I’d rather they learned to walk away from
these kind of people. I’d rather they chose themselves over
pleasing the crowd. And just quietly, it is time I lead by example
and walked away from these kinds of people too. No matter how vulnerable it makes me feel. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">So
I decided enough. Enough of this house-life. Enough of this
work-life. Enough of this school-life. Enough of the
consumerist-life. One morning I stood up and I said no more. My
boy’s mental health is worth more than any benefit he would get
from being in school. My boy’s mental health is not worth risking
because society says he should be in school. My boy’s mental health
is not worth risking because society says we should live in a house,
and work, and consume. Enough is enough. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">That
same morning I went into his room and I told him he didn’t have to
go to school any more if he didn’t want to. He chose not to, and
you know what? </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">I
have my boy back. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">This
is the first step toward taking back our authentic life: we are making
changes. Baby step by baby step. We’re done with this house-life.
It will be a slow process, but it is happening; the Arthur’s are
reclaiming themselves one piece at a time. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g"; font-size: small;">Watch
this space. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6Wh3cMzvd2RN8BG-HaM8dJ2_rsAvJq-emA6UB0qiFfvzt4Z-XrsnFektmB5n2PZWQp_UmBVOHIDenH92jotxNmZtQh3_eHwoRvgYeKoR1cY-tv0azEELLZNa2rwdNUf8bWun8sQdAKQ/s1600/IMG_E1550%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="820" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr6Wh3cMzvd2RN8BG-HaM8dJ2_rsAvJq-emA6UB0qiFfvzt4Z-XrsnFektmB5n2PZWQp_UmBVOHIDenH92jotxNmZtQh3_eHwoRvgYeKoR1cY-tv0azEELLZNa2rwdNUf8bWun8sQdAKQ/s320/IMG_E1550%255B1%255D.JPG" width="292" /></a></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";">Reading and Resources List:</span></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="http://www.hea.edu.au/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";">Home Education Association</span></a></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.homeschoolingdownunder.com/homeschooling-australia/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";">Home Schooling in Australia</span></a></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";"><a href="http://education.qld.gov.au/parents/home-education/about.html" target="_blank">QLD Government: home education your rights and responsibilities </a></span></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "linux biolinum g";"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-40294929400714345832018-09-05T21:47:00.000+10:002018-09-05T22:07:29.245+10:00Falling into the sick role. A little Ranty-Pants session. <div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 1.2cm; margin-right: 1.6cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><i>A note before you begin… I
wrote this piece as I was sitting with discomfort and frustration;
somewhat perplexed </i><i>with</i><i> my chronic illness and the
general reception I’ve received </i><i>on occasion</i><i>. It is
not of my usual style – I was angry at the time, but it is </i><i>a
subject</i><i> I’ve been pondering for a while and I feel that it
is important to share. I’m not entirely convinced I’ve managed to
project my ideas well… but I will leave it here regardless. </i><i>After
all, I a</i><i>m learning to embrace vulnerability and sometimes </i><i>it
is in the expression of ideas that I feel the most vulnerable. </i></span></span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlKI_Pj8qq72esDR_JjO8zOsSLNzc66miuBeqaTsHPe1cbF-1QXC1zjBY9UZPqal8xF7ZPPyCilwjxlCnMVjBz7jHV2aoPD8RyFYm_dgrCOjH2CueY8vG3ietqzc_9GnSx5xiC7nz_CtI/s1600/IMG_E1474%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="746" data-original-width="750" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlKI_Pj8qq72esDR_JjO8zOsSLNzc66miuBeqaTsHPe1cbF-1QXC1zjBY9UZPqal8xF7ZPPyCilwjxlCnMVjBz7jHV2aoPD8RyFYm_dgrCOjH2CueY8vG3ietqzc_9GnSx5xiC7nz_CtI/s320/IMG_E1474%255B1%255D.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I’m
not sitting comfortably with it. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">This
is not the first time I’ve succumbed to chronic illness, but this
has been the lengthiest of my healing journeys as I’ve attempted to
reach… well, I want to say <i>to </i><i>reach </i><i>recovery</i>,
but I’ve not really got to the point of “recovery” with my last
big effort either – probably more like the lengthiest journey to
get to the point of living the best me. I’m currently <i>not</i>
living my best me, and it is frustrating, disappointing and
exhausting. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">No,
I’m not sitting comfortably at all. You see, I’ve entered into
something called “the sick role”. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I
remember learning about the sick role in first year undergraduate
Sociology, all the way back in 1993. It’s funny how sometimes we
learn the theory of something, but it takes a lived experience to
really understand it. Talcot Parsons is the name of the American
structural-functional sociologist who posited the “sick role” in
1951. It is one of several societal roles that he understood human
beings to live within over their lifetime. Structural-functional
sociologists theorise that society functions within a network of
accepted roles which each of us play out in order for us to live
functionally and harmoniously. Anyone non-conforming to expected
roles is considered deviant from the norm. A deviant in society. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Parsons
describes the sick person as essentially no longer performing a
functional role in society (temporary or otherwise), and therefore is
conditionally but <i>acceptably</i> deviant from the norm. This
deviance is considered acceptable because the change in role comes
with two inherent rights, and two responsibilities that the person
entering the role of the sick person is conditioned with. These are:
the right to be exempt from normal social roles; the right to be
deemed not responsible for their condition; the obligation to try and
get well; the obligation to seek technically competent help and
cooperate with medical professionals. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Those
of you who know me well, will have already made assumptions (probably
correctly) about where this piece is headed. Revisiting the sick role
from within, all these years later, here I stand: the hackles on the
back of my neck rising, my breath drawing more and more short, my
fists tensing, my stance tall and strong and I am poised like a
wildling ready to fight. Dr Parsons: <i>I take issue with </i><i>your
sick role theory</i>. I am not entirely convinced that it’s
deviance is accepted by society at all. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Firstly,
that the sick possess the right to be exempt from normative social
roles, and the right to not be held responsible for the illness. The
right to be exempt from our role as an employee? The role of a
parent? The role of a spouse? Just for example. Really? I mean, I get
it – we can take <i>limited </i>time off from our role as an
employee (sick leave), most of us get ten days a year here in
Australia. But how many of us have been afraid to “call in sick”
for fear of repercussion? What happens when we use up our ten days?
How many have lost their jobs or been disciplined for an extended
time away from work due to illness, or medically retired? All of
these employer sanctioned actions hardly suggest that the employee is
not responsible for their state of health. Our obligation to our role
as an employee frequently overrides our obligation to the sick role.
We can politely decline a social gathering with the excuse of being
unwell. How many times can you politely decline an invitation and
continue to be invited? And what about other societal roles? How many
parents can take time off from their parental role? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Arguably,
it may be that it is our own conscience that renders us unable to
take time out – I have previously discussed at length the
difficulties some of us face when trying to say no. But the
expectations we place on ourselves are usually forged by society as a
whole; especially in a world where we value exhaustion and being busy
as signs of success. When entering the sick role conflicts with the
expectations of the other roles we play, the deviance of the sick
role is no longer acceptable… employers pressure us to return to
duty before we are well enough, and you bet they are judging us as a
bad employee when we are unable. When our sick role conflicts with
our role as a parent, you bet we are judged as a bad parent by
other parents. And so on for our other roles. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">On
the subject of not holding people responsible for their illness? What
about disease and conditions born of poverty? Of violence? Of
addiction? I’m not convinced that society as a whole is accepting
of these types of illnesses. Over and over I’ve heard or read the
rhetoric: they didn’t work hard enough; she should have left; it’s
his own fault for taking the drugs in the first place. Dr Parsons,
our society hardly respects the rights of the sick. Yet, it seems
that it is still expected that the obligations of the sick role are
upheld. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">You
know what I think my main issue with the Parsonian sick role might
be? It might be that in accepting the sick role as truth, the
assumption is made that those in the sick role are there voluntarily.
I would argue that it is rare – and it is certainly the case in my
experience – that someone chooses illness voluntarily. It is
inherently problematic to view those within the sick role as being
there voluntarily when assumptions are made about their ability to
fulfill the obligations of trying to get well and to follow medical
advice. Sometimes the chronically ill just can’t keep it up.
Sometimes the sick role becomes overwhelming, with all the rights and
obligations blanketing over our heads like an eternal black smog
which chokes us with every effort we make. And then the rhetoric
again: you’re not trying hard enough; you just have to push through
it. The notion that the sick are obliged to try to get well: isn’t
this just another version of victim blaming? Doesn’t this
contradict the right to not be held responsible for the illness? I’m
not perfect – I know I’ve judged others, commenting out of
frustration at a client who “won’t even help themselves”. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Accepting
the existence of the sick role as truth also assumes that the medical
profession knows best and are able and willing to help. While those
in the sick role are obliged to seek out and follow advice from an
authority on wellness (doctors), that authority doesn’t always seem
to be obliged to listen to or help someone in the sick role. I
recently tried to seek help… it took me four doctors and a 3234km
flight at great expense to find a practitioner who would even listen
to me, who would believe me. Is it any wonder I am a “sick role as
an accepted deviance” skeptic? Is the doctor then the gatekeeper of
the sick role? The one who decides on the validity of a sick claim?
Or is it society as a whole? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I’ve
been placed into the sick role; and it’s not voluntary. I’ve been
placed in that role by others. I’ve been denied it’s legitimacy
by some. I’ve resisted it myself. And loved ones have tried to
support me in it as best as they can. Being exempt from normal social
roles without your consent is somewhat damaging to our psyche,
especially when that exemption is inconsistent. It wears at our self
esteem. But it also teaches us many lessons, especially about the
true nature of our peers. I’ve seen those who are not accepting of
the legitimacy of the sick role pull away, my relationship with some
changing as my usefulness to them has altered. I’ve had medical
professionals dismiss my pain and distress. I’ve been forced back
into other roles before I was ready, because my obligation as a sick
role participant is to follow the advice of the medical professional:
even when he is wrong. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Putting
people into boxes with labels they should conform to - it doesn’t
work, and it’s not comfortable for anybody. But if we’re going to
do it, shouldn’t we at least do so consistently? </span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: red;">References and Reading List</span></i></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://sociologyinfocus.com/2012/12/the-sick-role-conflict/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">The sick role conflict. </span></a><span style="color: red;"> </span></span></i></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sick_role" target="_blank"><i><span style="color: red;">Sick Role: Wikipedia. </span></i></a></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talcott_Parsons" target="_blank"><i><span style="color: red;">Talcott Parsons.</span></i></a></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1357034X10364766?journalCode=boda" target="_blank"><i><span style="color: red;">Talcott Parsons, the sick role and chronic illness. </span></i></a></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3555361/" target="_blank"><i><span style="color: red;">The negotiation of the sick role: general practitioners' classification of patients with medically unexplained symptoms. </span></i></a></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><i><a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4899-0833-9_9" target="_blank">The sick role concept.</a> </i></span> </span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"> </span>
</div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-64597596442856471522018-08-27T21:27:00.001+10:002018-08-27T22:30:15.154+10:00My hobby: collecting Autoimmune Diseases. <div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I
took the step to reignite Around Arthur’s Table because I
recognised that it was time to make some changes in my life, due in
part to my need for better health – both mentally, physically, and
spiritually (for those who were not aware, this space was a crafting
and lifestyle blog a few years ago which is how I discovered my love
of writing). Whether or not I’m skilled enough as a writer is
irrelevant to me: the creative outlet is somewhat soothing, and most
definitely therapeutic; and if someone enjoys reading along then all the
better. Recognising the need for change came about partially because
I had just been diagnosed with my third Autoimmune Disease: a
metaphorical smack to the side of the head from the universe to let
me know that I could not continue to ignore the more subtle hints
that had been swung my way for the last four years or so. Major
lifestyle change is due. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">What
is Autoimmune Disease? Basically, the dumbed down version of this
answer is that Autoimmune Disease is the title given to a group of
illnesses that are believed to be caused by our own immune system
attacking itself. The job of the immune system is to detect and
eliminate harmful pathogens within the body (eg bacteria or viruses),
thereby keeping us healthy. However in people with Autoimmune Disease
– for what ever reason, and we still don’t really know why –
our bodies detect some of our own cells as foreign, and begin to wage
their war on our own body systems. </span>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Around
1:20 Australians experience Autoimmune Disease, with women making
up the larger portion of sufferers. You’ve probably heard of
some and not even realised they were Autoimmune in origin: Type 1
Diabetes; Coeliac Disease; Multiple Sclerosis; Lupus; Rheumatoid Arthritis to name a
few (there are more than 80 which we know about). My collection includes
(in order of appearance): Psoriasis; Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis; and
Polymyalgia Rheumatica. </span>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Science
has not yet come up with any solid evidence to prove exactly what it
is that causes an individual’s body to start attacking itself.
Generic theories are generally based around the presence of a genetic
predisposition which is then triggered by an infection, stress, some
medications, dietary issues, lifestyle or even UV light. There is
also increasing evidence surrounding the impact of an unhealthy gut
microbiome on the development of Autoimmune Disease. Alternate
theories surround the impact of vaccinations on the development of
Autoimmune Disease (although I do feel obliged to mention here that
at the time of writing, there is a lack of available reliable
scientific evidence to support this theory – of course a lack of
evidence does not mean the theory does not hold some merit). As to
which caused what in an individual, we are somewhat in the dark. What
science <i>does</i> know is that once you have one Autoimmune
Disease, the likelihood of that individual developing more increases.
Hence the little collection I have going on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> </span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZon8Yv4bPobXaAWOrHPLJOOvPjZ8XRzze67rNZWdVh3S2hATxNol9KC2CqTisbHn3-ys_oa2Wk4gk8cOlG0n2Pn80af5wvy3MiwtTtK1-FVgsK5k2-TJIWuASUzppmxnwDDX-xkzUck/s1600/autoimmune+disease.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="420" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZon8Yv4bPobXaAWOrHPLJOOvPjZ8XRzze67rNZWdVh3S2hATxNol9KC2CqTisbHn3-ys_oa2Wk4gk8cOlG0n2Pn80af5wvy3MiwtTtK1-FVgsK5k2-TJIWuASUzppmxnwDDX-xkzUck/s320/autoimmune+disease.png" width="320" id="id_1078_b0ba_2c15_9bca" style="width: 320px; height: auto;"></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Me?
I have a definite genetic predisposition, with autoimmune issues
running throughout my maternal family tree. I also test positive to
the presence of Epstein-Bar Virus (Glandular Fever) which has been
implicated in the development of multiple Autoimmune Diseases. Funny,
I don’t ever recall having the infection, but it’s there in my
bloodwork. </span>
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<br></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">However,
it is the impact of excessive stress that I feel has been the biggest
causative factor in my own Autoimmune journey. As I mentioned above,
I have three Autoimmune diseases. On reflection, each has presented
itself following three separate periods of particularly lengthy and
intense stress and trauma. The pattern is obvious. Three times the
universe has tried to send me little signals that things needed to
change (in the form of stressful situations) and then when I didn’t
listen: three times she has had to smack me up the side of the head
to get me to do just that! Unfortunately for me, Autoimmune Disease tends to be lifelong and without cure. Bummer. </span>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Wouldn’t
you think I would have learned, if not the first time at least the
second?</span></div>
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<br></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">And
so here I am. Attempting to harness my creativity in an effort to
make the changes I need to improve my physical, emotional and
spiritual health. Thanks for following my journey. For those who are
interested, in the coming weeks I’ll have a chat about the story
surrounding each Autoimmune Disease in my little collection. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> <span style="color: red;"><b>References and Reading List:</b></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/autoimmune-diseases" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b><br></b></span></span></a></div>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/autoimmune-diseases" target="_blank">Health Direct: An Overview of Autoimmune Diseases</a> </span></span><br>
<a href="https://www.allergy.org.au/patients/autoimmunity/autoimmune-diseases" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Australian Society of Clinical Immunology and Allergy: Autoimmune Disease </span></span></a><br>
<a href="http://theconversation.com/explainer-what-are-autoimmune-diseases-22577" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">The conversation: Explainer, What are Autoimmune Diseases? </span></span></a><br>
<a href="https://www.garvan.org.au/news-events/news/a-trigger-that-likely-unleashes-autoimmune-disease" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Garvan Institute of Medical Research: A trigger that likely unleashes Autoimmune Disease </span></span></a><br>
<a href="https://medlineplus.gov/autoimmunediseases.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Medline Plus: Autoimmune Diseases </span></span></a><br>
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<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-3491267752858186192018-07-13T13:07:00.000+10:002018-07-13T13:11:23.388+10:00Leaning into no. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijLuOcyLis7AU_iQRzQ5YFPi0aOP4S0wEGvv390rOkZbULF8ChQ0M4S33T26K4zMXpyL9Sfj4hJpdgeBFN-1cxdfjPskYzEzUwE7SlGS0ivGU6ZBAUYbNhSRMkjvrzgFmQSo1Lsgp_fc0/s1600/IMG_E0876%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijLuOcyLis7AU_iQRzQ5YFPi0aOP4S0wEGvv390rOkZbULF8ChQ0M4S33T26K4zMXpyL9Sfj4hJpdgeBFN-1cxdfjPskYzEzUwE7SlGS0ivGU6ZBAUYbNhSRMkjvrzgFmQSo1Lsgp_fc0/s320/IMG_E0876%255B1%255D.JPG" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">A
couple of weeks ago I wrote about people pleasing. It’s such a big
topic that I knew I would never say all that I needed to in one
article, without losing you all. </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">In
that article </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
touched on saying no, and I wanted</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
to come back and talk about that again. As a self confessed people
pleaser, saying no is a difficult thing for me. </span></span></span></span></span>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
what do I mean by </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">not
being able to say no</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">?
Well, whilst this behaviour impacts </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">every</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
facet of my life, my behaviour in the workplace is probably a good
neutral example of what I’m trying to illustrate here. I’m a midwife. I’ve been working in a small Midwifery Group Practice, I
am contracted for 38 hours a week of self managed hours (meaning I
get paid a flat rate for 38 hours no matter how many hours I work)
with four days a fortnight which </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">must</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
be rostered off call and off duty as mandated by our local agreement.
In other words it’s law that I take those days off. It is a
caseload model of care, which means that on the days I am rostered to work,
I am available on-call 24 hours a day for the women in my care.
Standard safety regulations apply – we cannot work more than 12
consecutive hours as a Primary Midwife, and we must have 8 hours off
duty in each 24 hour period. Despite this written agreement, I felt
pressured (be it real or imagined pressure) to please my team and the
women in my care. To not let them down. To be seen as a team player.
To be a “good” midwife. </span></span></span></span></span>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">felt
I </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">could
not say no, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">and
this behaviour developed into a self destructive pattern</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
On a subconscious level I felt that anything less than yes would mean that I was
seen as providing care that was not women-centred, and I would be viewed as a bad midwife or at the very least not as good as my colleague. </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
felt I would be judged harshly</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
I found it extremely difficult to say no to coming in on my days off
for women in my care. I stayed at work for labour care after having
already worked a 14 hour admin and clinic day (</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">on
that occasion</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
I worked a 24 hour period with only 4 hours down time – </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">during
which I took two phone calls - </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">because
no one else wanted to do it). I felt pressured to be a “back up”
Midwife on my days off because no one else was in town. I even agreed to
do an online course that would be useful in the workplace while </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I’ve
been</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
on <i>sick leave</i>, because I didn’t feel I should say no. T</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">hese
are just a few examples</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
If I tried saying no, I inevitably changed my mind and reneged
because I didn’t have the courage to stand up to what I perceived
as a nasty look from a colleague, or a comment that implied that I
was letting down the women in my care, or worse still letting down
the team. I rearranged plans. I put the cap back on the wine. I said
no to my kids. I missed social occasions, school functions, meals and
sleep.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Writing
this down now, it seems absurd: my days off and work hours are
legally mandated and protected; my sick leave is for me to recover my
health. Yet I still felt unable to say no. </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">E</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">very
time I said yes when I should have said no, I was saying no to </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">me</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
Every time I said yes when I should have said no, I was saying no to
my </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">family</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
Every time I said yes when I should have said no, it ate into my
recovery time. It ate away at my spirit. It increased my stress
levels. It compromised my values and it compromised my personal
integrity. No one was getting all of me. Not the women in my care,
not my team, not my family, and especially not me. Saying yes when I
should have said no, was saying no to everything and everyone who is
important to me. That is not wholehearted living.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">In
her book “The gifts of imperfection”, Brene Brown discusses how
failing to set boundaries means that we end up feeling used and
mistreated, and this is certainly how I was feeling for quite some
time. I silently blamed my colleagues for “making me feel guilty”
if I said no, for judging me if I said no, and I allowed myself to
feel obliged to say yes. It is important to note that actually: </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">no
one else did this to me</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
I allowed this to happen because I did</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">n’t
</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">set
boundaries between my work </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">time</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
and my personal time. Why? </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
was p</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">eople
pleasing: </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">feeling
that I was not good enough, and needing external validation that I
<i>was</i> good enough. </span></span></span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
am </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">no longer</span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">going to say yes when I mean no. </span></span></span></span></span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
how? How do we say no and set boundaries when we are so used to the
opposite? </span></span></span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Many
many months ago, I innocently picked up a random book in the airport
to read on a flight from Cairns to Sydney. That book was “The
life-changing magic of not giving a fuck” by Sarah Knight, which
would prove to be just the catalyst for change that I needed. It has
taken a long time – it has been nine months since I picked up that
book. Within the first three months I realised something was
uncomfortably wrong. The next three months saw the great realisation
that I was extremely unhappy and felt disconnected from my family and
my values (as well as being very unwell health wise). And it is only within the last three months that I have
come to feel strong enough to begin to make changes. </span></span></span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Sarah
writes about her personal journey into the world of saying no to the
things she doesn’t want, so she can say yes to those she does. She
uses a method which she has tagged as her “not sorry method”. The
basics are: decide what it is you really don’t give a fuck about,
and stop giving a fuck about those things. Don’t apologise for it,
but don’t be rude about it. Release yourself from the worry,
anxiety, fear and guilt of saying no. Take care of </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
first. </span></span></span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">It’s
actually pretty hard at first. It is not an easy thing to say no when we feel so much negativity associated with the word. I needed to find a way to ease into using the world no. I needed to find a way to practise saying no, without having to use the actual word. I listened to an interesting TEDx talk
recently by Jose Gerald Suarez, whose topic was “The
power of yes and the wisdom of no”. It sounds like a contradiction
to what I’ve been saying all along really, but bear with me. As a
beginner no-sayer, sometimes we need some little mind games to help
us along, to trick ourselves into saying no, if you like. To trick ourselves into
changing habits. In his TEDx Talk Jose talks about the importance of
actually focusing your efforts on what you </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">want
</span></span></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">to
obtain, rather than focusing on getting rid of what you don’t want. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">In other words, if I found it so hard to say no, why not turn
that around and actually start using my yes votes (which I'm so
good at) to say yes to things that I really do need? If saying yes to things I disn't want in my life was
saying no to myself, I needed to turn that the
hell around! I had to start saying yes to ME. </span></span></span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Let’s
look at this in the context of my workplace examples above. To borrow
terminology from Sarah Knight, what do I actually give a fuck about
</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">in
those scenarios</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">?
I give a fuck about:</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<ul>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Giving
the woman in my care the focus, safe care and attention she
deserves</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">;</span></span></span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Having
quality uninterrupted time with my family;</span></span></span></div>
</li>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Focusing
on improving my health. </span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Examples
of how I could have responded in each scenario in a manner that says
yes to what I need are:</span></span></span></div>
<ul>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;">"I </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">don’t
feel safe after working 14 hours, I </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">need
a meal and a break so I can safely care for this woman in the way she deserves”. </span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;">"I </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">have an important event with my family today which I cannot
reschedule, I won’t be available for back up until “x”
o’clock”. Or I could have just turned off my phone – </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">I’m
entitled to on my day off</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">.
</span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;">"T</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">hat
course will be really useful to have. Right now I am going to focus
on </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">my</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">
return to good health so that I can </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">give
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">that
course </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">the
attention is requires </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">when
I am well”. </span></span></span>
</div>
</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Simple
and effective, saying yes to what I need, without being rude or
unreasonable. Each statement priortises what I need to happen,
politely, without telling lies </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">or
making up excuses</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">.
Each response acknowledges that what I am being asked to do is
important, whilst also s</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">t</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">ating
clearly what I needed to happen for me. If I had said “yes” to
what I needed in this way, I would have been saying "no" to working too
many hours, not protecting my family time, and no to increasing my
stress levels while I was unwell. Perhaps the easiest way for me to
have said no to the things I didn’t want in these scenarios, would
have been to simply say yes to the outcomes I did want. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">But
you know what? It is perfectly fine to just say a polite “no thank
you, I can’t do that at the moment”. And I <i>will</i> get there. </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">I
am not far enough along this journey to tell you what the consequences of
my new no-saying skills have been. I’m still practising. I am getting there –
I was recently asked to discuss my plans to return to work </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">(</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">following
recent illness</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">)</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">.
My people pleasing instinct immediately kicked in and I replied “yes
let’s discuss that” – I felt some sense of shame about having
had several months away from work, and wanted to please my managers
by showing that I was super keen to get back to it. But when I </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">took
the time to actually be mindful and think about how my body was
feeling</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">,
I realised that </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">what
I was feeling was: </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">I’m
still really unwell here; I do</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">n’</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">t
have my strength back at all; If I returned to work now, even for
reduced hours, that would take away from the time and energy I have
to work on improving my health and regaining my strength. The next
time I was asked? I said no, I’m not ready (it took a lot more
words and babbling, but I got there: this is a learning process after
all). </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">It
was hard, it left me feeling pretty vulnerable. But then I reminded
myself that vulnerability is where the magic happens. </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
used to say yes because I felt I always had to prove that I was good
enough. But I don’t need to prove that to anyone: I <i>am</i> good enough.
</span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today’s
reference and reading list contains some really valuable information
on saying no. If people pleasing is something you struggle with I
really hope you can find the time to look through it, and find the
skills to start saying yes to you.</span></span></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<h2 align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">References, reading and viewing list:</span></span></i></span></h2>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iUag3c9HRc" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;">Dr Caryn Aviv: Saying no to say yes TEDxCrestmoorParkWomen.</span></span></a></span></li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Brene Brown (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing. </span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://brenebrown.com/blog/" target="_blank">Brene Brown Blog.</a> </span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sarah Knight (2015). The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck: how to stop spending time you don't have doing things you don't want to do with people you don't like. Quercus.</span></span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sarah Knight: The magic of not giving a fuck TEDxCoconutGrove.</span></span></a></span></li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbVMKWgtoqc" target="_blank">Jose Gerald Suarez: The Power of Yes and the Wisdom of No TEDxUMD</a>.</span></span></span></li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<h2>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i> </span></span></span></h2>
</div>
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</div>
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;">
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-86920658048131467792018-07-06T10:38:00.000+10:002018-08-27T21:58:02.235+10:00Story Telling. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4o3pp2tmR17wF9tmynByACQDuSJX3efDYWVJGVNjVYsbahf0l8SPwr9jPXH7NkXc4_hRVXZpl2eDjzP4KyqFy48cJEnn5Bj5vc7b-l4nLZxdmUir4A0epQWJ7weSrRVfKMfgg3-iu3uA/s1600/tell+your+story.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" id="id_9660_b687_f23c_8b9c" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4o3pp2tmR17wF9tmynByACQDuSJX3efDYWVJGVNjVYsbahf0l8SPwr9jPXH7NkXc4_hRVXZpl2eDjzP4KyqFy48cJEnn5Bj5vc7b-l4nLZxdmUir4A0epQWJ7weSrRVfKMfgg3-iu3uA/s320/tell+your+story.jpg" style="height: auto; width: 240px;" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Last
week I had a couple of nights at home husband-less. Traditionally
these evenings typically go something like this: we all eat “catch
and kill” (a term coined by some beautiful friends of ours that
means “mama aint cooking; you kids get your own!”); I open a
bottle of wine intending to drink only half of it but inevitably end up
polishing off the lot, then going looking for more; and I either
binge some soppy series on one of the streaming services available to
me, or watch something I know he wouldn’t be interested in which
causes me to sob my eyes out and look for the sequel. Then I go to
bed too late and regret it all in the morning. It mostly went down
that way, or it did the first night at least: I binged the entire
series of Mystery Road on </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">iV</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">iew
– great new Aussie drama, go watch it. The second night I stumbled
across a Netflix special called “Nanette” by Australian Comedian
Hannah Gadsby. I watched it. I thought about it. I looked up stuff
about it online. I “liked” Hannah’s page on Facebook. Then, as
I sank deep into that second half of that bottle of wine, I watched
it again. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="background: transparent;">You
may have guessed from the few posts I’ve managed thus far, that
this little experiment into vulnerability I have got going on is a
bit of a personal journey. </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="background: transparent;">It
is a journey which</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="background: transparent;">
I am trying to learn from and grow from. </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Well
Nanette left me altered forever, I have grown. It was raw. It was
real. It was vulnerability. And I have never ever seen anyone stand
up and speak with more authenticity. I laughed and I sobbed with her.
I wrote down a billion inspirational quotes to share with you (okay,
maybe it was only 15). But mostly, I tried to dissect what it was
that made this performance speak to me above all others who have
aired their vulnerability before. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">I’m
not being naive here: Hannah is a professional comedian; it is what
she does. Her job is to (as she puts it) create a tension in the room
that captures an audience, and then deliver the punch line. I get
that. But what made the difference in this performance is this:
Hannah used a really powerful tool called </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i>story
telling</i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">.
I don’t need to share all those quotes I wrote down </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">for</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">
you. But I do want to talk about the story telling. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Long
before film, before electronics, before literacy was the norm, human
beings lived in a verbal culture. Cultural practice, languages, laws,
lessons and histories were passed from generation to generation
through art, dance, </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i>and
</i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">story
telling. Multi generational family and community groups would come
together to share stories. Face to face, with real human connection.
Connection and feeling connected has been proven over and over to be
at the core of human happiness: if you type “human connection” or
“the importance of connection” into a search engine there is
seemingly no end to the hits directing you to blogs, self help pages,
and research all about connection. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">What
if the reason some of us are so lost, so removed from connection is
because we’ve lost the art of story telling? We have art galleries,
and museums. But how often do we come together for story telling?
Aside from the odd poetry reading at an off beat festival or in a
funky part of one of our larger cities, how many of us come together
for a face to face story telling session that doesn’t involve
kindergarten children? Instead, we now live in a world of keyboard
warriors and Cyber bullying where the target for our attack is
removed from our immediate presence and therefore easier prey. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Instead
of posting that witty comment “tearing that guy a new one”, stop
and listen to the story behind what is being said. You don’t have
to agree with him. But listen to him. Where is he coming from? What
has occurred in his story that makes him feel that it is </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">okay</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">
to behave the way he is? I will share a small story with you now –
I don’t share this story very often because it really does elicit
vulnerability on my part so it will be a surprise to some, and I am
not going to share all of it because it is not my story alone to
share. But I will share a little to illustrate something to you. </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">A
few years ago my family experienced a traumatic event in our home.
When the perpetrator was apprehended and tried before the court, his
story was shared. A childhood of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment.
Learning difficulties that were never addressed. A life in and out of
multiple temporary homes. As traumatic as the experience he inflicted
on us was, on hearing this story of a lost childhood my husband
looked up and said to me: “what an awful story, he never had a
chance...”. It wasn’t forgiveness. It wasn’t about saying that
what he did was okay. Hearing the story didn’t take away any of the
trauma inflicted on our family. But what it did was ignite our
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><i>empathy</i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">.
Through our empathy for this man, I feel that we somehow began to
move on from what he did to us. I really feel that until we do stop
and share and listen to the stories, we will be without empathy. And
without empathy, wh</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">at
happens to</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">
our humanity? Where is our healing? </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">I’m
not great at oral story telling. I stumble and forget words, become
unsure of what I am wanting to convey. This is of course in addition
to the struggle that is coming to grips with facing my vulnerability
and having a voice in the first place. But I think I should try. I
will start here, with written story telling… and maybe when that
becomes comfortable I can move on to oral stories. I like that
idea. I hope you will join me. </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Nanette
is powerful for it’s content and Hannah’s comedy alone. It
resonated with me, and I implore you to watch it. Hannah’s raw
vulnerability is an example for all of us, her story is moving and gut
wrenching and her delivery thought provoking. I cannot help but
wonder… is story telling what we are all missing in this life? Real
stories. Our family or cultural stories. Your story. My story. And
the real human connection that these stories are the platform for… </span></span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU">Everybody
has a story. Tell your story. Your story should be heard. </span></span></span></b></i></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3VIJ2cxeP9kgiEM4LsiFehTfP-zBcVbhGgN4Hw3NuKOLx0Wd_qvQIN2vmjIpBI_oT5T8j1L_NA81cm_ASbVBd9N5GA_bLJHUGdMM5UBiVNNpCOLXv_ix2ZEOm6A9D8ZsOe0SENsSXu2o/s1600/Hannah+Gadsby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" id="id_7468_5430_8152_54f0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3VIJ2cxeP9kgiEM4LsiFehTfP-zBcVbhGgN4Hw3NuKOLx0Wd_qvQIN2vmjIpBI_oT5T8j1L_NA81cm_ASbVBd9N5GA_bLJHUGdMM5UBiVNNpCOLXv_ix2ZEOm6A9D8ZsOe0SENsSXu2o/s320/Hannah+Gadsby.jpg" style="height: auto; width: 320px;" width="320" /></a></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><i>Hannah Gadsby. Comedian, actress, and now story teller.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-AU"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><i>(Photograph from Hannah Gadsby Facebook Page)</i></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<h2>
</h2>
<h2 align="justify" class="western">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><u>Don't
just take my word for it, check out these reviews of Nanette:</u></i></span></span></span></h2>
<ul>
<li><h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.papermag.com/hannah-gadsby-nanette-2583567338.html?rebelltitem=3#rebelltitem3" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;">PAPER Magazine</span></span></a></span></h3>
</li>
<li><h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"> <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2018/07/03/why-hannah-gadsbys-netflix-special-nanette-is-so-remarkable/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.cd090f0000c5" target="_blank">The Washington Post</a></span></span></span></h3>
</li>
<li><h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/monkeysee/2018/07/02/625298708/hannah-gadsbys-nanette-is-a-scorching-piece-on-comedy-and-trauma" target="_blank">National Public Radio</a></span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"> </span></span></span></h3>
</li>
<li><h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.thecut.com/amp/2018/06/hannah-gadsbys-nanette-and-the-limits-of-laughter.html?__twitter_impression=true" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;">The Cut</span></span></a></span></h3>
</li>
</ul>
<h3>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></h3>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<h3>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i></span></span> </span></h3>
</div>
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</div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-23540106328908785902018-06-28T16:25:00.002+10:002018-06-28T16:41:24.042+10:00On people pleasing... <div align="center" class="western">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="background: transparent;">"Just
imagine how much better your life would be</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="background: transparent;">if
you could say no to things you really don't give a fuck about</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="background: transparent;">and
have more time, energy and money to say yes</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="background: transparent;">to
the things you do"</span></i></span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">Sarah
Knight.</span></span></span></span></div>
<div align="justify" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">Seems
a funny quote to start with, but it is real, and it is true. Imagine
a life free of the stress of awkward obligation. Imagine what you
could give to yourself and your family, if you weren't "obliged"
to work that overtime, go for that drink, attend that function you
didn't really want to. Imagine... </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">As
I began the research</span> <span style="font-size: small;">for
this piece, I soon found myself</span> <span style="font-size: small;">staring</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">at the computer feeling as
though I had just been given a hypothetical slap to the face. A wake
up call if you will. I was reading lists and lists of characteristics</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">of people pleasers.</span> <span style="font-size: small;">But
what I was really reading, were descriptions of me. The realisation
sank in deeply: for</span> <span style="font-size: small;">as
long as I can remember I have</span> <span style="font-size: small;">been
a people pleaser. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">What
does this look like for me? Well, I say yes when I’d rather not or
even if it is inconvenient or it means sacrificing something else
that is important to me. I apologise when I don’t need to, when I
have done nothing wrong, or for merely proclaiming my opinion. I go
to great lengths to avoid conflict, in fact conflict is excruciating
for me. I need</span> <span style="font-size: small;">everyone
around me to be happy. The thought that not everyone likes me renders
me</span> <span style="font-size: small;">nauseous.</span> </span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">Does
any of this sound familiar? If so, welcome, my people pleasing
comrade. We can get through this together. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">This
is not something I do, nor have I ever done consciously. It is only
something I have become aware of recently, as I began this journey
into vulnerability. I don’t even recall when it began for me. I’m
sure that some people pleasers can pinpoint a significant event that
“turned” them into people pleasers</span> – <span style="font-size: small;">I’ve
heard countless stories of survivors of domestic abuse in childhood,
or children who have suffered parental neglect; needing to maintain
the status quo around them long after they have left the abusive
situation.</span> <span style="font-size: small;">But this did
not happen to me. I had a supportive and happy childhood. Yes, I
suffered an emotionally abusive relationship as a late teen and young
adult, and I suffered assault daily at the hands of a group of male
students on the school bus as a younger teen (yes, #metoo). But long
before then the behaviour was ingrained into my being; for I didn’t
tell anyone. I didn’t ask for help because the shame and
vulnerability that these incidents caused me to feel was too much for
me to bear. I maintained the facade that all was</span> <span style="font-size: small;">well
to all around me. I would fake the occasional illness to avoid the
school bus when I needed a break from the intolerable abuse, and when
I was older I continued to chase after a boy who did not deserve me
and allowed him to use me and my body at his will. This is how I know
I was already a people pleaser long before these incidents happened:
the behaviour was automatic, my willingness to allow it to continue
left unchallenged. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">Perhaps
it was mirrored to me as a child?</span> <span style="font-size: small;">Perhaps
it was a learned behaviour from some other source. Perhaps I will
never know.</span> <span style="font-size: small;">I wonder
though</span>… <span style="font-size: small;">am I raising
a daughter</span> <span style="font-size: small;">who will</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">model herself on me and
continue the pattern? This thought terrifies me more than the
vulnerability of admitting my need to please ever could. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">Why
do we do it? On reflection, I feel that I did</span> <span style="font-size: small;">so
out of a need for external validation of my</span> <span style="font-size: small;">own</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">worth, rather than turning
inward and trusting my own experience, intuition,</span> <span style="font-size: small;">and
self love. It manifested</span> <span style="font-size: small;">in
a fear of rejection and a fear of being disliked, born from not
loving myself</span> <span style="font-size: small;">first. I</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">did</span> <span style="font-size: small;">so
because the thought of being vulnerable was terrifying to me. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-size: small;">The
consequence? The result is a personal sacrifice which saw me time and
time again</span> <span style="font-size: small;">persuaded</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">into situations that didn</span>’<span style="font-size: small;">t
sit right with my</span> <span style="font-size: small;">values.
It saw</span> <span style="font-size: small;">me</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">constantly and easily
manipulated by others. It compromised</span> <span style="font-size: small;">my</span>
<span style="font-size: small;">personal integrity. People
pleasing caused me to lose touch with who I am and what is important
to me: I lost touch with my creativeness; I lost touch with my
ability to nurture my family; I lost touch with my values.</span> <span style="font-size: small;">I
could relay personal story upon personal story here to prove my
point, but it’s not necessary. I will never heal if I cannot learn
the value of forgiveness. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background: transparent;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Is
it possible to live a wholehearted life if you are constantly
striving for the approval of others and seeking external</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">validation
for your own worth? No. </span></span> </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;"><b>No.
More.</b> </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">For
me, and for my wee girl who watches and learns from the sidelines of
my life each and every day: I will people please no more. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">I
will pause long enough to recognise that I don’t want to say yes
(mindfulness), I will learn the art of a polite “no thank you”. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">I
will unlearn the need for external validation (kindness to self). </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">I
will recognise that I am deserving of my own love first, just as
everyone else is entitled to love themselves first (common humanity).
</span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background: transparent;">I
will set aside the discomfort that impending conflict brings, and
embrace my vulnerability in that moment, because my opinion matters. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="background: transparent;">Please,
to all my fellow people pleasers: do what YOU do; be who YOU are;
like what YOU like; and just be enough for YOU. </span></b></i></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEVoV8mOfjPFBqKJpVGL9NrvBz29b1b02AWL8FLt6UkXmmdKGyMCILJ4qNbtv23d1aIt0cVwAVyi7Iz2YHlkCRYjuzgC9EjymCRuqhPexXlij3OTcrvp4vZ0O99DxfIwIsDIB1sjb5bJI/s1600/people+pleasing+hides+the+real+you.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="736" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEVoV8mOfjPFBqKJpVGL9NrvBz29b1b02AWL8FLt6UkXmmdKGyMCILJ4qNbtv23d1aIt0cVwAVyi7Iz2YHlkCRYjuzgC9EjymCRuqhPexXlij3OTcrvp4vZ0O99DxfIwIsDIB1sjb5bJI/s320/people+pleasing+hides+the+real+you.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Follow</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> Around Arthur’s Table
in the menu to the right, so you don’t miss the followup: Saying
No. </span><br />
<div class="western" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> </span>
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b> </b></i></span></span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Reading
and Viewing List - wanna see where I got the ideas I'm banging on
about? Look here. You might even learn something! Click on each dot
point to go to the relevant site. </span> </span></b></i><br />
<ul>
<li><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://brenebrown.com/blog/" target="_blank">Brene Brown, Blog</a>. </span></b></i></li>
<li><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://sarahknightauthor.com/" target="_blank">Sarah Knight, author "The life changing magic of not giving a fuck"</a>. </span></b></i></li>
<li><a href="https://www.scienceofpeople.com/stop-people-pleasing/" target="_blank"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Six steps to stop people pleasing and start doing you, Sarah Cooper. </span></b></i></a></li>
<li><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser" target="_blank">Psychology Today: Are you a people pleaser? </a></span></b></i></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i></span></span> </span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-34725519455317967722018-06-20T16:37:00.000+10:002018-06-20T20:37:41.544+10:00The search for self compassion and the three legged tripody stool thingy. <div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">So
now that I have explained what I am all about (twice: avoiding the
vulnerability perhaps?), it is time I bit off something big and
chunky and sat and ruminated a bit. Following many years of personal
turmoil, and at times an extraordinarily large load of trauma which (unknown to me) sat neatly on top
of trauma that already existed and had been feeding and thriving on
my habit of telling myself to get over it, growing and multiplying in
the background: I <strike>rolled my eyes at my friends who were telling me I
needed to and relented</strike> made the decision to seek the services of a psychologist. Hi Jo
if you’re reading: look at me putting my vulnerability out there! </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">I’m
not good at this stuff. I am positive that I caused Jo untold
amounts of professional frustration. I knew I needed to talk. But I
wasn’t really a very cooperative or willing conversationalist about
all that made me feel raw, and I really didn’t know what I needed
to get out of our sessions. I would start, and then the internalised
self talk would start and before I knew it I’d be all “look it’s
ok, there are people with much bigger problems than I, this stuff
isn’t important. Let’s make jokes and laugh at how much wine we
both like to drink instead”. It wasn’t quite <i>literally</i>
like that, but that is a pretty accurate paraphrase of our sessions.
Jo gave me homework, I’d find<span style="color: #ce181e;"> </span>excuses not to do it. Jo would ask me why I didn’t do
it, I’d say “I dunno, forgot?”, and we’d sit in silence for a
bit. Eventually she’d sigh and give me more homework. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Fortunately
for me, psychologists are trained to deal with avoiders like me. She
saw right through me, she knew exactly what I was doing even though I
didn’t. I eventually had to confront the reasons why I wasn’t willing to help
myself deal with the trauma I was carrying; why I felt guilt
about carrying trauma in the first place (and I will come back to
this); and why I kept avoiding it unless I’d had too many wines and was
sitting in a gutter at 1am pouring it all out to a reasonably new
friend and someone who I’d just met that night in a camp ground<i><b> </b></i>after losing my phone in a toilet (thanks girls, and ah, sorry! I
know it wasn’t pretty, but I like to think we’re friends for life
now, right?). And guess what we came up with? The biggest
reason was because I didn’t think I was worth it, because I lacked
something called <i>self compassion. </i></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i>L</i><i>et’s
say it again out loud: Self Compassion. </i></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">From the sheer amount of drunken
late night conversations I’ve had with people I love, and people
I’ve since grown to love, I’ve come to realise that Self
Compassion is something almost all of us struggle to deal with. So
what is it? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Self compassion is not a new concept –
it’s been around for centuries I believe (Buddhism, anyone?).
However, my research tells me that Dr Kristen Neff PhD is, as
far as I can work out, the first researcher to define Self Compassion
and she has a pretty good summary which I’ve pulled directly from
her web page (reference in reading and viewing list):</span></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 2cm; margin-right: 2cm; page-break-before: auto;">
“<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i>Instead of mercilessly judging
and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings,
self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted
with personal failings...” (Dr Kristen Neff, 2018). </i></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 2cm; margin-right: 2cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; page-break-before: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Dr
Neff is the author of the book “Self-Compassion: the proven power
of being kind to yourself”. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">Disclaimer:
</span><i>I’ve not read it yet</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
but believe me it is high on my unbelievably long self-help reading
list – which I’m really bad at getting through because I keep
finding other things to do (oh look! There’s that avoid</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ance</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
thing again!). </span><span style="font-style: normal;">B</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ut
I digress… I have, however, spent hours pouring over her web site
and watching many of her talks which are available online. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">W</span><span style="font-style: normal;">hat
you’re about to read is a mishmash of wh</span><span style="font-style: normal;">a</span><span style="font-style: normal;">t
I have learned from her amazing teachings (</span><span style="font-style: normal;">I’ve
link</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ed</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
the </span><span style="font-style: normal;">talks and web site</span><span style="font-style: normal;">s</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
in the reading and viewing list below for anyone who is interested in
this subject – I highly recommend her work</span><span style="font-style: normal;">)</span><span style="font-style: normal;">.
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">What Dr Neff found </span><span style="font-style: normal;">in
her research</span><span style="font-style: normal;">, is that self
compassion is a three legged tripody stool </span><span style="font-style: normal;">thingy
(</span><span style="font-style: normal;">my term - </span><span style="font-style: normal;">she
uses better language than I)</span><span style="font-style: normal;">.
The stool’s legs respectively represent: self kindness (vs self
judgement); mindfulness (vs over-identification); and common humanity
(vs isolation). Let’s take a closer look at each leg. </span></span>
</div>
<h2 style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">The self compassion three legged tripody stool thingy up close... </span></b></i></span></h2>
<h2 style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;"> </span></b></i></span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2_gUt5QaA6iBuksT3ZF7FuWt7032q0NTK4iH7EDElhQDiphNq5FRYZQKDJ4NRy8AXzyIhSp9dG3TmWaZKKT5jBuj68xx1m4LMLKkon_FSKBHToVKtBoEAv8KNiSZhHzahZ0zOML5Y_ro/s1600/35695433_10155382515936246_6860355458083848192_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2_gUt5QaA6iBuksT3ZF7FuWt7032q0NTK4iH7EDElhQDiphNq5FRYZQKDJ4NRy8AXzyIhSp9dG3TmWaZKKT5jBuj68xx1m4LMLKkon_FSKBHToVKtBoEAv8KNiSZhHzahZ0zOML5Y_ro/s320/35695433_10155382515936246_6860355458083848192_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<h2 style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;"> </span></b><u><b><br /></b></u></i></span></h2>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
</div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">Kindness.</span> </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">K</span><span style="font-style: normal;">indness
is simply being kind to yourself. It is treating yourself with the
same care, understanding and patience as you would a good friend who
you recognise is suffering. It is offering that same soothing and
comfort to yourself as you would offer a hug or a helping hand to a
friend in need. </span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">Mindfulness.</span></b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> In
order to offer compassion and </span><span style="font-style: normal;">therefore
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">kindness to ourselves, we
first need to recognise that we are in fact suffering in the first
place. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">It is in our nature as
humans to avoid suffering (that uncomfortable feeling of
vulnerability again), but we must be aware of it if we are to afford
it </span><span style="font-style: normal;">compassion</span><span style="font-style: normal;">.
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">Mindfulness in this sense,</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
is paying attention to what is happening in the immediate </span><span style="font-style: normal;">and
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">present </span><span style="font-style: normal;">time:</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
noticing what is happening in the moment; avoiding suppression of
that suffering (avoid</span><span style="font-style: normal;">ance</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
this </span><span style="font-style: normal;">time</span><span style="font-style: normal;">
is </span><i>good</i><span style="font-style: normal;">);
</span><span style="font-style: normal;">noticing it without judgement
or critique; and having compassion for the person experiencing that
moment (Dr Neff discusses that in this case, this means the
experiencer is the self: </span><span style="font-style: normal;">YOU!</span><span style="font-style: normal;">). </span></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> </span></span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="color: red;">Common Humanity.</span> </b></i><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
acknowledgement that as humans, we are all fallible. All of us. There
are no perfect humans. Having compassion for self involves the
recognition that imperfection is a part of the shared human
experience, it is normal. People who practice self compassion are
really good at framing their own experience in the common human
experience: life goes wrong; life is imperfect; we are not the only
ones that bad shit happens to. When we forget that we’re
essentially all in this together, we feel isolated and unsafe. When
we forget that we are not alone in our experience, we end up with
self pity instead of self compassion</span></span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> (read<a href="http://self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/" target="_blank"> this</a>!).</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">So let’s come back to my
experience with trauma and psychologist-extraordinaire (aka: Jo)
above, and let’s re-frame it in the context of the self compassion
tripody stool thingy. What might things have looked like if I was
sitting on the three legged tripody stool thingy? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Firstly (and this is me admitting to
my imperfections): like so many people I know, I’m not great at
mindfulness and recognising when I need self care (see what I did
there? Common humanity!). For so long I avoided sitting with
my traumas (and I don’t mean physical pain here, I’m talking
emotional trauma, and – nay sayers – I’m here to tell you that
emotional injury is still trauma) because noticing them left me
feeling (you guessed it) <i>vulnerable</i>. For so long I
ignored the small signals that my body, my mind, hell - the
universe was sending me in and effort to keep up what I felt was
expected of me. In an effort to remain the good employee, the good
member of society, to do what I <i>should </i>(work hard, be a good
little consumer, live in a house, drive a nice car, etc)<i>, </i>I failed to stop and notice what was
really happening within me and what effect that was having <i>around</i>
me. I still struggle with mindfulness, it is something I have to
physically work on every single day. </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Because I didn’t fully recognise
my suffering, I was unable to offer myself the kindness I needed.
This is why I never did my Jo homework. This is why I became unhappy
in my life, but didn’t realise I was. This is why I kept going when I
should have stopped, it is why I felt I was failing in every part of
my life: as an employee; as a wife; a daughter; a friend; and most
crushingly as a mother. And I honestly believe it is why I have just been diagnosed with my third autoimmune disease (more on that in a later post). The consequence is this: if you cannot show
yourself kindness, how can you know when you need to show it to
others? </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Why did this happen? Because I
didn’t think I was entitled to feel overwhelmed by my experiences,
because other people were experiencing so much worse. Because I
didn’t take the time to experience what I was feeling in the
moments, I failed to recognise that others in my situation would feel
just as overwhelmed (common humanity). I held enormous guilt attached
to even the <i>thought</i> that I might feel overwhelmed, when others
were suffering so much more. Guilt is such a big, HUGE, human
emotion – I won’t go into it here, but you can be sure there will be a separate
post on it.</span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<h4>
<span style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Interesting isn’t it – if one of
those little legs on the tripod falls off, the entire stool will
topple over.</span></i></span></h4>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">If I had been sitting on that three
legged tripody stool thingy, with all the legs firmly attached: I
would have recognised that I was overwhelmed (mindfulness); I would
have realised that other people in my situation would have felt
overwhelmed too and that would be a normal response (common
humanity); and I could have taken the time to do something about it
(kindness). </span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="background: transparent; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">D</span><span style="font-style: normal;">o
you know what else Dr Neff’s research revealed though? People who
practice self compassion suffer less depression, less anxiety, less
shame, are happier, are more hopeful, and more optimistic. People
who practice self compassion recognise that we’re all entitled to
be a wreck like anyone else! The research even indicated that the
ability to practice self compassion can be predictive of whether or
not someone may suffer PTSD. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<h2 style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">Self compassion: it’s the
bomb. </span></i></span></h2>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;">Reading and Viewing List - wanna see where I got the ideas I'm banging on about? Look here. You might even learn something! Click on each dot point to go to the relevant site. </span> </span></b></i></div>
<div align="justify" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0gtnOXAp-U" target="_blank">Dr Kristen Neff PhD, 2016, Talks at Google. The science of self-compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself. </a></span></b></i></li>
<li><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k" target="_blank">Dr Kristen Neff PhD, 2014, Greater Good Science Centre. The three components of Self-Compassion. </a></span></b></i></li>
<li><a href="http://self-compassion.org/" target="_blank"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">self-compassion.org </span></b></i></a> </li>
<li>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="http://self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>What self compassion is not.</b></i></span></a></div>
</li>
<li>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion" target="_blank">The self compassion wiki.</a> </b></i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b> </b></i></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b> </b></i></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>*I was able to access Jo through the Veterans and Veterans Families Counseling Service. They can be contacted <a href="http://www.vvcs.gov.au/" target="_blank">here</a>, for veterans and veteran's family members who might need a little help. </b></i></span></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>NOTE:
The opinions and ideas expressed in this and other posts on Around
Arthur's Table are the intellectual property of the Author, unless
otherwise stated. Any ideas outside of the Author's own are referenced
accordingly. If you wish to use or refer to words and ideas expressed
here, please reference and link back to Around Arthur's Table. </b></i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i><b>All photographs
used are also the intellectual property of the author, unless otherwise stated - if you wish to
use these, please contact the Author for permission. </b></i></span></b></i></span></span> </span></div>
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</ul>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-31562237050454118892018-06-19T10:57:00.000+10:002018-06-19T13:07:11.705+10:00Pushing off on the swing. <div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJK99t46wrBNu3kXsVDkvXtWY2uq04dJP2wffnKPXLalonq31OJmey3nG4TEFtOSxzijifQ0v_d-Wmagl4cGS5EbZWXl4_lPWccW3r9SHZX8GYqxcdVmuXv9AlS7nskErpMK3TbATIHD8/s1600/IMG_E0674%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJK99t46wrBNu3kXsVDkvXtWY2uq04dJP2wffnKPXLalonq31OJmey3nG4TEFtOSxzijifQ0v_d-Wmagl4cGS5EbZWXl4_lPWccW3r9SHZX8GYqxcdVmuXv9AlS7nskErpMK3TbATIHD8/s320/IMG_E0674%255B1%255D.JPG" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I
didn’t wake up yesterday and think “I’m going to publish a blog
today”. I hadn’t planned it really. It is true that I have been
pondering something for a long time, there has been something
niggling in the background for a while. But I didn’t have a name
for it and I certainly didn’t know what it was.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I’ve
had a lot of unplanned time away from my paid gig, because I
physically cannot do it at the moment. I’ve been battling illness,
and that journey alone has forced me to examine my values and really
take a long hard look at what I want in life; what kind of life
fulfils me; what I need so that I can live a wholehearted life. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I
realised that I am really really unhappy with how things have been
working out. There has to be something more. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I’ve
always enjoyed writing. I’m a terrible speller and my grammar could
use some work. I don’t claim to be great at it: I’m ok though.
The niggle has always been there. Many times over the last few years
I’ve thought I could fill a book with my experiences, but then that
raw, uncomfortable place beckons me… who would want to read it? I’m
sure it’s been done before. My experiences are actually boring. I’d
never finish it. What would everyone think? </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Let’s
revisit that last line: what would everyone think? </span>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">I’m
43. I should have a nice house. I should have a nice car. I should
not be spending time and money on folly. I shouldn’t take risks. Be
sensible. Safety first. Keep your head down, don’t put yourself out
there. What if you fail? I like to call these thoughts the “shoulds”.
Stepping outside of those societal expectations of “shoulds”
drags me into that raw, uncomfortable place again.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">No
one likes feeling uncomfortable. Human beings intuitively seek
comfort, and comfort often lies in the familiar: in the “normal”.
Feeling uncomfortable is an invisible barrier that stops us
exploring those gentle niggles. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Vulnerability
wins. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">Throughout
the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of internal searching,
trying to find what it is that has been niggling me. Trying to find
what it is that makes me, well, authentically me. Throughout all the
reading, listening, talking, watching and questioning there seems to
be a theme emerging: that vulnerability is where the magic happens. </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">So
that’s how this came about. To live my true me, to become my
authentic self, I need to tackle that raw uncomfortable place we call
vulnerability. I need to jump, with two feet, push off on the swing.
So I will write, no matter how uncomfortable I feel. I will write, no
matter how much my fingers shake or sweat on the keyboard. I will
write, no matter how red my face goes when someone recognises me as
the person who wrote down what they were thinking. I will write, no
matter how much it makes my gut churn. Because who doesn’t need a
little magic in their life? </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;">After
the blog went live yesterday, I text my husband and told him how gut
wrenchingly nervous putting myself out there was making me feel, how
vulnerability probably wasn’t a great place for me after all…
I’ll leave you with his reply: </span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-family: "carlito" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Are
you wearing pants? If you’re wearing pants, it’s probably fine”.
</i></span></span>
</div>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5175749739910099709.post-75632877054622007912018-06-18T12:41:00.000+10:002018-06-18T13:17:10.252+10:00This is me. <div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">This is me. </span></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I
am many things. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am a: mother; partner; nurse; and midwife. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am a:
creative; a traveller; a nurturer. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am spiritual, not religious. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I
prefer wide open spaces to the containment of walls. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I fiercely
support the right to choose home birth, home death, and home education. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am a feminist, a lover of people and a lover of this
planet and all that she provides. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am a survivor of workplace bullying and harassment. </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am a fighter of Autoimmune Disease. </span></i></span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">My
life journey thus far has been scattered with unique and amazing
experiences for which I am eternally grateful: travelling the country
with my family full time for an entire year; living and working in
remote Indigenous communities in the Northern Territory; even a tumultuous time in
the military which will likely surprise some. Despite their richness, none of these experiences will ever rival my journey into
motherhood. </span></i></span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I
am acutely aware that this journey continues; I’ve not finished the
lessons I need to learn in this life. I yearn for something else,
something more: self love; authenticity; comfort in imperfection and
vulnerability; gratitude for the little things; trust in intuition. This is what brings me here – the search for
something more. This is my journey through the discomfort of opening
up my vulnerability to the world, so that I may become richer for
it. </span></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I look around at the people who I admire, so many of whom are writing. They are writing what they are thinking. How they are thinking. In the words they are thinking. And in that way they are putting their vulnerability out there. I can do that. I am going to do that. Feel free to follow along... or not. </span></i></span>
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I
am Rebecca. </span></i></span><br />
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I am imperfect, and I am learning to be OK with that. </span></i></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0r4Ub-D4TuTTxUa_Hoh4a21zCcgsXPFu1MlAvXQxfIUijOBLA-gaaiS4UuYCCPRGGpfP-XJWeXSC0ZWYUqr4qTeqCcxI_4NKTYW3466P5cZZMql7o1Do0w6guFXCeeTBx_TB9NAtc0Sg/s1600/IMG_E0589%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="748" data-original-width="731" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0r4Ub-D4TuTTxUa_Hoh4a21zCcgsXPFu1MlAvXQxfIUijOBLA-gaaiS4UuYCCPRGGpfP-XJWeXSC0ZWYUqr4qTeqCcxI_4NKTYW3466P5cZZMql7o1Do0w6guFXCeeTBx_TB9NAtc0Sg/s320/IMG_E0589%255B1%255D.JPG" width="312" /></a></div>
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<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">*"The gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown is the inspiration for this journey. If you would like more information, please visit her blog <a href="https://brenebrown.com/blog/" target="_blank">here</a>. </span>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07922885496467898643noreply@blogger.com0